Steph-iles and Zweifel-isms: The Most Colorful Write-Ups in DIII Tennis

After losing 8-1 to Williams on Saturday, there was not a whole lot to say in the write-up except that there were some very close matches. My boss texted me afterwards, “Your story should be quick and easy,” as it would not include quotations from coach. These stories are sometimes the most difficult to write because I am a real insider as member of the team, but I must stick to my conventions of disinterestedness. My prose shows no evidence of the ecstasy of victory or the agony of defeat, but it's the quotations from coach that add the color, put the match in perspective, and really make the write-up special.


One of Ben Guzick’s greatest contributions since transferring from Carleton was acquainting me with the work of one of the best colormen in Division III tennis-Carleton head tennis coach Stephan Zweifel. It opened my eyes to a device I thought would be impossible in this context. Carleton’s men’s tennis write-ups are littered with Zweifel’s nuggets of metaphorical gold about pop culture, academia, and animals that even make reading about a losing effort enjoyable. I don’t know if his quotations are pre-meditated or he delivers them to the SID on the spot but either way, Zweifel packs an arsenal of Bill Simmons-esque pop culture references. With “the guile and tenacity of a Girl Scout trying to sell her last carton of Thin Mints,” I trolled the Carleton archives dating back to 2003, assembled a pool of over 50 of my favorite Zweifel-isms, and then selected the 10 best Steph-iles (like similes) that highlight his metaphorical acumen:

(1) "It is a treat watching Ben play tennis," Zweifel said. "He invests as much mental energy into a single point as most students put into an entire semester of Quantum Mechanics."

Why it works: He’s a thinker, a cerebral player like Peyton Manning. It also helps that I know him.

Another about Ben: “Ben’s debut at No. 1 singles was spectacular,” said Carleton head coach Stephan Zweifel. “Watching him play reminds me that we are all part of the food chain, some are just higher than others.”

Why it works: He’s a vegetarian… well, pescaterian. Sharks and eels are the only fish that scare me so other than that, it seems Ben is sitting pretty low in the food chain.

(2) “The top doubles team from Saint John’s put up quite a fight, and at times Winston and Dan were as frustrated as a seven-year old trying to baptize a cat,” said Carleton Head Coach Stephan Zweifel. “But in the tiebreaker, our boys were as focused as fighter pilots.”

Why it works: I pushed my cat into the bathtub once.

(3) “Krishna’s resemblance to an Avatar is more than just physical. Once he plugged into his life force in the second set, he was unstoppable,” said Zweifel.

Why it works: I only saw the movie once so I couldn’t remember what the USB plugging in thing they did was called. Now I know.

(4) “In the later stages of their doubles match, Winston and Austin employed the same high-risk, high-reward strategy as eating tuna salad at a picnic on a hot July afternoon,”

Why it works: Sensory appeal and economics. Sun + Mayo = Spontaneous Growth, Sun + Fish = Fishy. That’s not a risk I would be willing to take.

(5) “Although Paul can be as reckless on the tennis court as Lindsay Lohan at a cast party, he always manages to find a way to finish his match unharmed,” noted Zweifel.

Why it works: Another risk I would not be willing to take.

(6) “Austin was locked in an epic struggle,” Zweifel noted. “His match had more wrinkles than Joan Rivers without Botox.”

Why it works: Zing! Don't forget cosmetic surgery.

(7)“Peter and Winston played their third set tiebreakers with the unapologetic courage of a Midwestern couple wearing matching Hawaiian print shirts,” Zweifel said.

Why it works: I know the type. Good image.

(8) “Similar to the recalled Toyota cars, this team is building momentum, and it does not look like there is a way to stop us,” said Carleton head coach Stephan Zweifel.

Why it works: Making people aware of this issue is good for GM and the country.

(9) “Dan and Peter put on quite a display today,” Zweifel said. “Not since the Al Capone era has there been such intimidating play by a couple of guys from Chicago.”

Why it works: It incorporates a shared bit of biographical info and gangsters used to come from Chicago.

(10) "Jacob brings a sense of drama and comedic timing to the tennis court that has been sorely missed since the start of the writer's guild strike," Zweifel said.

Why it works: I remember that strike.

I wish I had some of these Steph-iles for the Williams match. On the ride back, our best pop culture reference came as Greg and I tried to describe Tennessee RB Chris Johnson. Greg said he looks like someone from Milli Vanilli which flew far off everyone’s pop culture radars. I likened Johnson to Jack Sparrow-dreads, gold teeth, nice cheekbones. It’s important to consider the audience when using pop culture references.