Food Inc. vs. Troll 2

Not too long after Troll 2 rocked my world, I watched the documentary Food, Inc. which goes beyond the grocery aisle to expose the evils of food production in the US. While at first glance, Food, Inc. may seem completely unrelated to Troll 2 but a closer look shows that the two films fight out of opposing corners of the same ring. In Troll 2, vegetarians from a rural farming community who hold sermons about the dangers of smoked meat are portrayed as villains. In Troll 2, going green is bad and a double-decker bologna sandwich with all its cholesterol and toxins saves the day.

The Goblin Queen is right: bologna is not the healthiest deli meat. That's quite the secret weapon, Josh.

There's no pastoral fantasy of an agrarian society at this market; it's the real deal except for the industrial size container of green food coloring.

I don't see the evil in making food affordable with efficient mass production techniques that minimize the land area used.

Troll 2: The Best Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

About a week ago, I watched Troll 2 for the first time. For those of you who are behind the times, Troll 2 is a cult classic widely recognized as the “worst movie ever made.” The Troll 2 craze is picking up steam as the film was recently released to DVD and featured in the documentary Best Worst Movie made by the film’s child star. As a proud owner, I have seen Troll 2 four times so far and not once against my will: the first time with my father, the next time in the background while cleaning my room, and the last two times with various friends because I was worried an awful little girl might come after me if I didn’t share the film with a certain number of people. I know most of the signature lines and incorporate them into my daily interactions whenever possible. Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

While the movie lives up to the billing as the “worst movie of all time;” it also earns the documentary’s claim Best Worst Movie because I somehow found it engrossing and ridiculously entertaining. Although the film failed on many fronts, the filmmakers were by no means incompetent and amateur. I haven’t seen the documentary yet, but it seems like the filmmakers actually overachieved with their budget. For the effort and guts to finish the project, I commend them. Here is my list of the Top 5 Troll 2 Redeeming Qualities:

1. Joshua’s Realizations:

Although the goblin spelled backwards bit could be a coincidence, the clover shaped moles are a dead giveaway.

2. Joshua’s Singing:

"Row Your Boat" is always a good choice for diffusing an argument.

3. The Kinky Sex Scene:

This is the strangest thing I have ever seen in a movie.

4. The Creepy Messages on Softballs

Sinister messages written on softballs in green frosting is always a bad omen.

5. The Acting and Snappy Dialogue

Words to live by: "You can't piss on hospitality. I won't allow it."

Elliot is another victim of the either-or fallacy.

The director wanted to use non-actor civilians for a natural feel. I like how the light switch bookends the scene.

The Fed's Grace

Watch live streaming video from wimbledon at livestream.com

The Fed is one of the most gracious losers this sport…. no any sport… has ever known. He also gives great interviews. In this post, I break down the Fed’s interview after his 4-set loss to Tomas Berdych.

Notice how he wears his hat low to hide the waterworks.

4:37 “No, he didn’t play like that, you saw a different match.” Actually, I’m pretty sure that was you out there I saw getting worked! Poor reporter, a zinger from a weepy eyed paper champ might just ruin his day. He didn’t know to direct all string technology questions to John McEnroe because he mentions “these new-age strings” in every broadcast. While he’s at it, he should also ask Mac about legs because Berdych has tree trunks and Mac probably noticed.

7:45 It must be annoying to be asked about Murray’s chances of winning it all right after losing so this question deserves a snarky response like the one Fed gave. To top it off, he told the reporter to “make [her] homework” because she probably has no idea what she’s talking about.

5:43 Okay, so at RG, the conditions were tough and Soderling played well. “Today was a different story,” we can attribute today’s loss to aches and pains that resulted in general discomfort and poor play at crucial moments of the match preventing the Fed from capitalizing on certain opportunities.

3:10 His right leg and back have been hurting since the final he lost to Hewitt at Halle. I hope he gets back to playing tennis “freely,” “the way [he] wants.”

7:20 If Virtua Tennis is realistic, that two-week vacation should cost $1000 and fully regenerate his energy. Staying at home is free but not as rejuvenating.

Berdych had the second interview and I like how the reporters condense the parts of Fed's interview that were potentially insulting and bounce them off Berdych in hopes of instigating an an entertaining back and forth. Next the reporters should do a follow-up with Fed and ask for his response to Berdych's claims that he is the superior player.

NBA Draft Spoiler Ticker

I felt compelled to send ESPN this suggestion/ complaint because I was that annoyed by the NBA Draft ticker on the bottom of the screen that gave away the picks of the draft as I was watching the replay.

--------------- Original Message ---------------

I was watching the replay of the NBA Draft on ESPN at 12 am PST but there was a draft ticker on the bottom of the screen that reported all of the picks by team. I was watching this replay because I did not watch the draft live so I did not yet know what happened. Would someone who has not yet seen an event such as the draft want to watch it with a spoiler ticker at the bottom of the screen that tells the outcome? No, that would be stupid. My suggestion is do not make this mistake again.

I was surprised to receive any kind of response, not to mention one so prompt.

Dear Shane,

Thank you for contacting us.

Fans turn to us, as well as many other news sources, for the latest information in sports news. The results of the NBA Draft fall in that category. As a general rule we will make an exception and not show the results while the event is being televised on our air. We understand that not everyone may agree with our editorial decision. We do thank you for sharing your perspective with us.

Sincerely,

Eric
ESPN Viewer Response

Yes Eric, I know that you usually remove the results from the bottom ticker during replays. That’s the smart thing to do. You dropped the ball this time. How about an apology? I think if any other news sources or fans needed information about the draft after midnight well after the event, they wouldn’t go to the bottom ticker of the draft replay, they could quickly check online. What “other news source” would need to sit through a scrolling ticker after midnight several hours after the event and after their deadline?

Sure Hannah, you’re welcome for my “perspective” and you’re still wrong, Eric.

The Fearhand

I guess this is what Brad Gilbert calls the forehand nowadays. I don’t dislike it. Well, maybe I kinda like it. I looked it up and it only applies to big forehands, which most players on the men’s circuit have.

This is my friend Syrym's fearhand.

firehannahstorm.com

I almost changed the name of my blog to firehannahstorm.com because she is single-handedly ruining my Wimbledon viewing experience. I never really noticed her before but as the Isner-Mahut epic was in the process of changing stations to make space for the World Cup, Storm burst on the scene and polluted the air with an endless supply of useless, clichéd fluff and filler. While displaying hardly any tennis knowledge and shying away from any substantive analysis, her color consisted of overusing “perspective” and gushing about this or that. Hannah, this isn’t the Early Show.
When I was watching the Nadal-Haase match, ESPN cut to an interview with Isner on set. I missed most of the third set because Storm had to ask Isner the same dam questions the presenter asked him on court after his match. Guess what Hannah, Isner’s answers to those questions did not change. Thirty minutes and a shower did not give him a new “perspective.” And yes, he still felt tired.

And what kind of name is Hannah Storm anyway? Was she originally in the adult film industry? Well I looked it up and apparently her real name is Storen.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I am not the first to criticize Hannah Storm.

This is a picture I took of Isner doing what he does best at the 2007 US Open. At that time, serving and getting mini-breaks were the ONLY things he did well.

Full Mock!

Live from the draft, the first pick was just announced and I barely handed in my picks at the Pick 'Em Contest. I logged into some wifi and here is my post:

After my talks with Mel, Todd, and many a draft enthusiast, my top 10 has not changed. I have added picks 11-32 which are rarely predicted correctly and therefore need no explanation.

The two players on my radar, Tim Tebow and Jahvid Best, did not crack my first round but my counterpart Greg and I entertained the possibility of Best to the Pats and Tebow to the Vikes or Saints.

Greg and I also also discussed trades in the ranges 4-7, 13-15, 22-23.

1. St. Louis Rams-Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma-I don’t like the pick personally but apparently it’s a given that the Rams take him. DYK: His great grandmother was Cherokee.

2. Detroit Lions-Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska-They could go OT but Suh is arguably the best player in the draft and it fills a need.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma-This 3-Tech Tackle draws comparisons to Sapp because apparently his style meshes with their defense scheme.

4. Washington Redskins-Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State-The Skins need to replace Samuels and protect McNabb’s back side, that one he’s blind on.

5. Kansas City Chiefs-Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma-If I know Scott Pioli like I think I do, they pass on a S like Berry and go with the cornerstone position of their franchise. People say Bulaga is a Pioli-type guy, they don’t know him like I do.

6. Seattle Seahawks-Eric Berry, S, Tennessee-Well it won’t be Taylor Mays. They could go OT or secondary but it should be the Ed Reed-esque ball-hawking center fielder.

7. Cleveland Browns-Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State-Since when are OK and OK State so good at football? Bryant was suspended last year for an undisclosed chat with Deion Sanders and has baggage or something but he’s immensely talented… great catch radius.

8. Oakland Raiders-Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers-Oh boy… Bryant and Berry are off the board. (Bryant was too slow anyway but his baggage was intriguing). The media has exhausted the speculation that the Raiders will reach for someone physically gifted in running in a straight line for 40 yards. Enough, Al Davis goes conservative here picks the natural knee-bending road grader out of Rutgers. There are whispers of Bulaga, child please, another stiff, white OT from the state of Iowa. There are murmurs Clausen, hmm… child please he won’t even go in the first round.

9. Buffalo Bills- Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame-Not a great pick considering he’s a fair weather QB but this is the best option for this franchise. I remember in 2007 when Miami was in this same position at the same pick… I was a perfect 8-8 in my mock and then they took Ted Ginn Jr. instead of Brady Quinn. Look how that turned out.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars- Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama-He’s a Jack Del Rio type of player and they’ll be look for defense in Thomas or Morgan unless they go offense with Spiller.

11. Denver Broncos- Earl Thomas, S, Texas

12. Miami Dolphins- Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas

13. San Francisco 49ers, Joe Haden, CB, Florida

14. Seattle Seahawks- C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson

15. New York Giants- Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, USF

16. Tennessee Titans- Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise St.

17. San Francisco 49ers- Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa

18. Pittsburgh Steelers- Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida

19. Atlanta Falcons- Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech

20. Houston Texans- Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno St.

21. Cincinnati Bengals- Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma

22. New England Patriots- Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan

23. Green Bay Packers- Mike Iupati, G, Idaho

24. Philadelphia Eagles- Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers

25. Baltimore Ravens- Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee

26. Arizona Cardinals- Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri

27. Dallas Cowboys- Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland

28. San Diego Chargers- Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama

29. New York Jets- Everson Griffen, DE, USC

30. Minnesota Vikings- Taylor Mays, S, USC

31. Indianapolis Colts- Charles Brown, OT

32. New Orleans Saints- Jerry Hughes, DE, TCU

Mock Draft (Top 10) 1.0

In a few hours I will subject myself to waiting in line for over 10 hours so I can score entry into one of my favorite sporting events-the NFL Draft.

I am what they call an NFL Draft guru.

In 2007, I held Vassar College’s first ever pro day combine event.

In 2007, in the NFL Draft mock draft contest, I predicted 11 picks correctly-more than Kiper-to win an autographed Jamarcus Russell helmet.

Those are my credentials, let’s mock it up:

1. St. Louis Rams-Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma- I don’t like the pick personally but apparently it’s a given that the Rams take him. DYK: His paternal great-great grandmother was Cherokee making him an official citizen of the Cherokee Nation.

2. Detroit Lions-Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska- They could go OT but Suh is arguably the best player in the draft and it fills a need.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma- This 3-Tech Tackle draws comparisons to Sapp because apparently his style meshes with their defense scheme.

4. Washington Redskins-Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State- The Skins need to replace Samuels and protect McNabb’s back side, that one he’s blind on.

5. Kansas City Chiefs-Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma- If I know Scott Pioli like I think I do, they pass on a S like Berry and go with the cornerstone position of their franchise. People say Bulaga is a Pioli-type guy, they don’t know him like I do.

6. Seattle Seahawks-Eric Berry, S, Tennessee- Well it won’t be Taylor Mays. They could go OT or secondary but it should be the Ed Reed-esque ball-hawking center fielder.

7. Cleveland Browns-Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State- Since when are OK and OK State so good at football? Bryant was suspended last year for an undisclosed chat with Deion Sanders and has baggage or something but he’s immensely talented… great catch radius.

8. Oakland Raiders-Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers- Oh boy… Bryant and Berry are off the board. (Bryant was too slow anyway but his baggage was intriguing). The media has exhausted the speculation that the Raiders will reach for someone physically gifted in running in a straight line for 40 yards. Enough, Al Davis goes conservative here picks the natural knee-bending road grader out of Rutgers. There are whispers of Bulaga, child please, another stiff, white OT from the state of Iowa. There are murmurs Clausen, hmm… child please he won’t even go in the first round.

9. Buffalo Bills-Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame- Not a great pick considering he’s a fair weather QB but this is the best option for this franchise. I remember in 2007 when Miami was in this same position at the same pick… I was a perfect 8-8 in my mock and then they took Ted Ginn Jr. instead of Brady Quinn. Look how that turned out.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars-Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama- He’s a Jack Del Rio type of player and they’ll be look for defense in Thomas or Morgan unless they go offense with Spiller.

Gotta run. I have a sit down with Kipe and Todd later and I’ll gather some more intelligence while I wait in line so expect an updated version tomorrow.

Steph-iles and Zweifel-isms: The Most Colorful Write-Ups in DIII Tennis

After losing 8-1 to Williams on Saturday, there was not a whole lot to say in the write-up except that there were some very close matches. My boss texted me afterwards, “Your story should be quick and easy,” as it would not include quotations from coach. These stories are sometimes the most difficult to write because I am a real insider as member of the team, but I must stick to my conventions of disinterestedness. My prose shows no evidence of the ecstasy of victory or the agony of defeat, but it's the quotations from coach that add the color, put the match in perspective, and really make the write-up special.


One of Ben Guzick’s greatest contributions since transferring from Carleton was acquainting me with the work of one of the best colormen in Division III tennis-Carleton head tennis coach Stephan Zweifel. It opened my eyes to a device I thought would be impossible in this context. Carleton’s men’s tennis write-ups are littered with Zweifel’s nuggets of metaphorical gold about pop culture, academia, and animals that even make reading about a losing effort enjoyable. I don’t know if his quotations are pre-meditated or he delivers them to the SID on the spot but either way, Zweifel packs an arsenal of Bill Simmons-esque pop culture references. With “the guile and tenacity of a Girl Scout trying to sell her last carton of Thin Mints,” I trolled the Carleton archives dating back to 2003, assembled a pool of over 50 of my favorite Zweifel-isms, and then selected the 10 best Steph-iles (like similes) that highlight his metaphorical acumen:

(1) "It is a treat watching Ben play tennis," Zweifel said. "He invests as much mental energy into a single point as most students put into an entire semester of Quantum Mechanics."

Why it works: He’s a thinker, a cerebral player like Peyton Manning. It also helps that I know him.

Another about Ben: “Ben’s debut at No. 1 singles was spectacular,” said Carleton head coach Stephan Zweifel. “Watching him play reminds me that we are all part of the food chain, some are just higher than others.”

Why it works: He’s a vegetarian… well, pescaterian. Sharks and eels are the only fish that scare me so other than that, it seems Ben is sitting pretty low in the food chain.

(2) “The top doubles team from Saint John’s put up quite a fight, and at times Winston and Dan were as frustrated as a seven-year old trying to baptize a cat,” said Carleton Head Coach Stephan Zweifel. “But in the tiebreaker, our boys were as focused as fighter pilots.”

Why it works: I pushed my cat into the bathtub once.

(3) “Krishna’s resemblance to an Avatar is more than just physical. Once he plugged into his life force in the second set, he was unstoppable,” said Zweifel.

Why it works: I only saw the movie once so I couldn’t remember what the USB plugging in thing they did was called. Now I know.

(4) “In the later stages of their doubles match, Winston and Austin employed the same high-risk, high-reward strategy as eating tuna salad at a picnic on a hot July afternoon,”

Why it works: Sensory appeal and economics. Sun + Mayo = Spontaneous Growth, Sun + Fish = Fishy. That’s not a risk I would be willing to take.

(5) “Although Paul can be as reckless on the tennis court as Lindsay Lohan at a cast party, he always manages to find a way to finish his match unharmed,” noted Zweifel.

Why it works: Another risk I would not be willing to take.

(6) “Austin was locked in an epic struggle,” Zweifel noted. “His match had more wrinkles than Joan Rivers without Botox.”

Why it works: Zing! Don't forget cosmetic surgery.

(7)“Peter and Winston played their third set tiebreakers with the unapologetic courage of a Midwestern couple wearing matching Hawaiian print shirts,” Zweifel said.

Why it works: I know the type. Good image.

(8) “Similar to the recalled Toyota cars, this team is building momentum, and it does not look like there is a way to stop us,” said Carleton head coach Stephan Zweifel.

Why it works: Making people aware of this issue is good for GM and the country.

(9) “Dan and Peter put on quite a display today,” Zweifel said. “Not since the Al Capone era has there been such intimidating play by a couple of guys from Chicago.”

Why it works: It incorporates a shared bit of biographical info and gangsters used to come from Chicago.

(10) "Jacob brings a sense of drama and comedic timing to the tennis court that has been sorely missed since the start of the writer's guild strike," Zweifel said.

Why it works: I remember that strike.

I wish I had some of these Steph-iles for the Williams match. On the ride back, our best pop culture reference came as Greg and I tried to describe Tennessee RB Chris Johnson. Greg said he looks like someone from Milli Vanilli which flew far off everyone’s pop culture radars. I likened Johnson to Jack Sparrow-dreads, gold teeth, nice cheekbones. It’s important to consider the audience when using pop culture references.

Freaks of The Combine

It's Spring! What does that mean? Time for the NFL Draft of course. To whet my NFL Drappetite, there is the NFL Combine amuse-bouche. I enjoy the NFL Combine because although there are some position drills, the Combine isn't measuring football skills, it measures the athleticism that translates to football skills. While scouts watch film and speak with coaches to evaluate a football skills, the Combine tests a player's physicality that puts the football skills in perspective and indicates a prospect's NFL-readiness. Not only am I entertained by enormous men squeezed into spandex and forced to run 3-cone drills and do broad jumps, I like discovering the ones who are unexpectedly good at these events. The physical specimen who shine at the combine are known as workout freaks.

Although many freaks will have little impact in the NFL Draft or at the next level, some freaks jump up draft boards and eventually cash in on their measurables because coaches and GMs fawn over their potential and gamble, lured by the promising ego trap that they can coach a freak into a star.

Being labeled a workout freak can be quite lucrative so some prospects go viral to raise their stock. The 6-foot-5 285-pound DT from San Jose State, Jarron Gilbert, not only jumped a 37" vertical and a 10'7" broad at the combine, he jumped out of a pool. The Bears drafted him with the 4th pick of the 3rd round, 68th overall.

Keith Eloi, a speedy WR from Nebraska-Omaha, topped Gilbert (according to his friend) but went undrafted because gimmicks only go so far. The Redskins signed him to the practice squad but he was later released.

To prove once and for all that his vert was superior to that of Gilbert's, the 5-foot-10 WR jumped out of a pool... backwards.

In the end, Cardinals pro-bowler Adrian Wilson set the bar with his freakish hurdle.

Wilson's teammate, Reagan Maui'a, a 6th rounder FB out of Hawaii can't jump that high so he ran though a wall... of sheetrock.

Here are my freaks of the 2010 NFL Draft who are potential targets of the Al Davis reach:

Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland - The 6-foot-6, 314 pounder is a testament to Maryland’s conditioning program seen in the Underarmour commercials. Campbell was a top 10 performer in every category except the broad jump, and led OL in the 40-yard dash. NFL Analyst Mike Mayock touts him as the best-looking offensive tackle [he’s] ever seen in person in [his] life.”

	40	Bench (225 lb)	Vertical	3-Cone	20-yd S
Bruce Campbell	4.85 (1)	34 reps (5)	32” (6)	7.58 (8)	4.69 (10)

(Parentheses denotes rank among position)

Here's his interview:

To put a 4.85 40 in perspective, here is the 40-yard dash attempt of an average person, Rich Eisen.

Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma - At 6-foot-5 and 315 pounds, this probable 1st rounder and potential top 10 pick showed excellent explosiveness, measuring the highest vertical jump for his position at 34.5-inch, the second fastest 40 at 4.88, the third longest broad jump at 9’5”, and the fifth fastest 20-yd shuttle at 4.63. Very few men that size run a sub-5 second 40 and it's baffling how high he jumped. He could most likely dunk a basketball.

Interview below, quite humble:

To compare him a guy slightly more athletic than Eisen, see Tom Brady’s famed Combine footage below.

Tim Tebow, QB, Florida - Although the 4.72 40 time which was 4th among QBs was a bit slower than expected, Tebow’s other numbers were downright freakish. He led his position in just about every other event including a 38.5-inch vert (1), 9’7” broad (2), 4.17 20-yard shuttle (1), and 11.27 60-yard shuttle (1). These numbers speak to his athleticism but most impressive was his 3-cone drill. Although a time of 6.66 in the 3-cone drill is an unfortunate time for a religious fanatic, it was the fastest time among RBs, 3rd among WRs, and tied for 2nd among DBs. All in all, Tebow clocked the 5th fastest 3-cone drill in the entire combine.

Click for the Tebow interview or watch the extended version about his competitiveness, mechanics and love of chalk talk.

Dorin Dickerson, TE, Pittsburgh - A 6’4” 226 pound athlete who played TE, WR, FB, and LB at Pitt, Dickerson put up numbers that would be Calvin Johnsonesque for a large WR. Unfortunately, Dickerson isn’t quite the pass-catcher Johnson is and will probably end up as an H-Back in the league. But with a bit of polishing, this freak could be a nice find.

	40	Bench	Vertical	Broad	3-Cone	20-yd S
Dorin Dickerson	4.40(1)	24 (4)	43.5” (1)	10’5” (1)	6.96 (3)	4.30 (3)

Here's some film on the guy:

Even though it happens every year, it's dangerous to fall in love with a freak.