Troll 2: The Best Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

About a week ago, I watched Troll 2 for the first time. For those of you who are behind the times, Troll 2 is a cult classic widely recognized as the “worst movie ever made.” The Troll 2 craze is picking up steam as the film was recently released to DVD and featured in the documentary Best Worst Movie made by the film’s child star. As a proud owner, I have seen Troll 2 four times so far and not once against my will: the first time with my father, the next time in the background while cleaning my room, and the last two times with various friends because I was worried an awful little girl might come after me if I didn’t share the film with a certain number of people. I know most of the signature lines and incorporate them into my daily interactions whenever possible. Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

While the movie lives up to the billing as the “worst movie of all time;” it also earns the documentary’s claim Best Worst Movie because I somehow found it engrossing and ridiculously entertaining. Although the film failed on many fronts, the filmmakers were by no means incompetent and amateur. I haven’t seen the documentary yet, but it seems like the filmmakers actually overachieved with their budget. For the effort and guts to finish the project, I commend them. Here is my list of the Top 5 Troll 2 Redeeming Qualities:

1. Joshua’s Realizations:

Although the goblin spelled backwards bit could be a coincidence, the clover shaped moles are a dead giveaway.

2. Joshua’s Singing:

"Row Your Boat" is always a good choice for diffusing an argument.

3. The Kinky Sex Scene:

This is the strangest thing I have ever seen in a movie.

4. The Creepy Messages on Softballs

Sinister messages written on softballs in green frosting is always a bad omen.

5. The Acting and Snappy Dialogue

Words to live by: "You can't piss on hospitality. I won't allow it."

Elliot is another victim of the either-or fallacy.

The director wanted to use non-actor civilians for a natural feel. I like how the light switch bookends the scene.

The Fed's Grace

Watch live streaming video from wimbledon at livestream.com

The Fed is one of the most gracious losers this sport…. no any sport… has ever known. He also gives great interviews. In this post, I break down the Fed’s interview after his 4-set loss to Tomas Berdych.

Notice how he wears his hat low to hide the waterworks.

4:37 “No, he didn’t play like that, you saw a different match.” Actually, I’m pretty sure that was you out there I saw getting worked! Poor reporter, a zinger from a weepy eyed paper champ might just ruin his day. He didn’t know to direct all string technology questions to John McEnroe because he mentions “these new-age strings” in every broadcast. While he’s at it, he should also ask Mac about legs because Berdych has tree trunks and Mac probably noticed.

7:45 It must be annoying to be asked about Murray’s chances of winning it all right after losing so this question deserves a snarky response like the one Fed gave. To top it off, he told the reporter to “make [her] homework” because she probably has no idea what she’s talking about.

5:43 Okay, so at RG, the conditions were tough and Soderling played well. “Today was a different story,” we can attribute today’s loss to aches and pains that resulted in general discomfort and poor play at crucial moments of the match preventing the Fed from capitalizing on certain opportunities.

3:10 His right leg and back have been hurting since the final he lost to Hewitt at Halle. I hope he gets back to playing tennis “freely,” “the way [he] wants.”

7:20 If Virtua Tennis is realistic, that two-week vacation should cost $1000 and fully regenerate his energy. Staying at home is free but not as rejuvenating.

Berdych had the second interview and I like how the reporters condense the parts of Fed's interview that were potentially insulting and bounce them off Berdych in hopes of instigating an an entertaining back and forth. Next the reporters should do a follow-up with Fed and ask for his response to Berdych's claims that he is the superior player.

NBA Draft Spoiler Ticker

I felt compelled to send ESPN this suggestion/ complaint because I was that annoyed by the NBA Draft ticker on the bottom of the screen that gave away the picks of the draft as I was watching the replay.

--------------- Original Message ---------------

I was watching the replay of the NBA Draft on ESPN at 12 am PST but there was a draft ticker on the bottom of the screen that reported all of the picks by team. I was watching this replay because I did not watch the draft live so I did not yet know what happened. Would someone who has not yet seen an event such as the draft want to watch it with a spoiler ticker at the bottom of the screen that tells the outcome? No, that would be stupid. My suggestion is do not make this mistake again.

I was surprised to receive any kind of response, not to mention one so prompt.

Dear Shane,

Thank you for contacting us.

Fans turn to us, as well as many other news sources, for the latest information in sports news. The results of the NBA Draft fall in that category. As a general rule we will make an exception and not show the results while the event is being televised on our air. We understand that not everyone may agree with our editorial decision. We do thank you for sharing your perspective with us.

Sincerely,

Eric
ESPN Viewer Response

Yes Eric, I know that you usually remove the results from the bottom ticker during replays. That’s the smart thing to do. You dropped the ball this time. How about an apology? I think if any other news sources or fans needed information about the draft after midnight well after the event, they wouldn’t go to the bottom ticker of the draft replay, they could quickly check online. What “other news source” would need to sit through a scrolling ticker after midnight several hours after the event and after their deadline?

Sure Hannah, you’re welcome for my “perspective” and you’re still wrong, Eric.

The Fearhand

I guess this is what Brad Gilbert calls the forehand nowadays. I don’t dislike it. Well, maybe I kinda like it. I looked it up and it only applies to big forehands, which most players on the men’s circuit have.

This is my friend Syrym's fearhand.

firehannahstorm.com

I almost changed the name of my blog to firehannahstorm.com because she is single-handedly ruining my Wimbledon viewing experience. I never really noticed her before but as the Isner-Mahut epic was in the process of changing stations to make space for the World Cup, Storm burst on the scene and polluted the air with an endless supply of useless, clichéd fluff and filler. While displaying hardly any tennis knowledge and shying away from any substantive analysis, her color consisted of overusing “perspective” and gushing about this or that. Hannah, this isn’t the Early Show.
When I was watching the Nadal-Haase match, ESPN cut to an interview with Isner on set. I missed most of the third set because Storm had to ask Isner the same dam questions the presenter asked him on court after his match. Guess what Hannah, Isner’s answers to those questions did not change. Thirty minutes and a shower did not give him a new “perspective.” And yes, he still felt tired.

And what kind of name is Hannah Storm anyway? Was she originally in the adult film industry? Well I looked it up and apparently her real name is Storen.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I am not the first to criticize Hannah Storm.

This is a picture I took of Isner doing what he does best at the 2007 US Open. At that time, serving and getting mini-breaks were the ONLY things he did well.

Full Mock!

Live from the draft, the first pick was just announced and I barely handed in my picks at the Pick 'Em Contest. I logged into some wifi and here is my post:

After my talks with Mel, Todd, and many a draft enthusiast, my top 10 has not changed. I have added picks 11-32 which are rarely predicted correctly and therefore need no explanation.

The two players on my radar, Tim Tebow and Jahvid Best, did not crack my first round but my counterpart Greg and I entertained the possibility of Best to the Pats and Tebow to the Vikes or Saints.

Greg and I also also discussed trades in the ranges 4-7, 13-15, 22-23.

1. St. Louis Rams-Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma-I don’t like the pick personally but apparently it’s a given that the Rams take him. DYK: His great grandmother was Cherokee.

2. Detroit Lions-Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska-They could go OT but Suh is arguably the best player in the draft and it fills a need.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma-This 3-Tech Tackle draws comparisons to Sapp because apparently his style meshes with their defense scheme.

4. Washington Redskins-Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State-The Skins need to replace Samuels and protect McNabb’s back side, that one he’s blind on.

5. Kansas City Chiefs-Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma-If I know Scott Pioli like I think I do, they pass on a S like Berry and go with the cornerstone position of their franchise. People say Bulaga is a Pioli-type guy, they don’t know him like I do.

6. Seattle Seahawks-Eric Berry, S, Tennessee-Well it won’t be Taylor Mays. They could go OT or secondary but it should be the Ed Reed-esque ball-hawking center fielder.

7. Cleveland Browns-Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State-Since when are OK and OK State so good at football? Bryant was suspended last year for an undisclosed chat with Deion Sanders and has baggage or something but he’s immensely talented… great catch radius.

8. Oakland Raiders-Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers-Oh boy… Bryant and Berry are off the board. (Bryant was too slow anyway but his baggage was intriguing). The media has exhausted the speculation that the Raiders will reach for someone physically gifted in running in a straight line for 40 yards. Enough, Al Davis goes conservative here picks the natural knee-bending road grader out of Rutgers. There are whispers of Bulaga, child please, another stiff, white OT from the state of Iowa. There are murmurs Clausen, hmm… child please he won’t even go in the first round.

9. Buffalo Bills- Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame-Not a great pick considering he’s a fair weather QB but this is the best option for this franchise. I remember in 2007 when Miami was in this same position at the same pick… I was a perfect 8-8 in my mock and then they took Ted Ginn Jr. instead of Brady Quinn. Look how that turned out.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars- Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama-He’s a Jack Del Rio type of player and they’ll be look for defense in Thomas or Morgan unless they go offense with Spiller.

11. Denver Broncos- Earl Thomas, S, Texas

12. Miami Dolphins- Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas

13. San Francisco 49ers, Joe Haden, CB, Florida

14. Seattle Seahawks- C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson

15. New York Giants- Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, USF

16. Tennessee Titans- Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise St.

17. San Francisco 49ers- Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa

18. Pittsburgh Steelers- Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida

19. Atlanta Falcons- Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech

20. Houston Texans- Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno St.

21. Cincinnati Bengals- Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma

22. New England Patriots- Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan

23. Green Bay Packers- Mike Iupati, G, Idaho

24. Philadelphia Eagles- Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers

25. Baltimore Ravens- Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee

26. Arizona Cardinals- Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri

27. Dallas Cowboys- Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland

28. San Diego Chargers- Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama

29. New York Jets- Everson Griffen, DE, USC

30. Minnesota Vikings- Taylor Mays, S, USC

31. Indianapolis Colts- Charles Brown, OT

32. New Orleans Saints- Jerry Hughes, DE, TCU

Mock Draft (Top 10) 1.0

In a few hours I will subject myself to waiting in line for over 10 hours so I can score entry into one of my favorite sporting events-the NFL Draft.

I am what they call an NFL Draft guru.

In 2007, I held Vassar College’s first ever pro day combine event.

In 2007, in the NFL Draft mock draft contest, I predicted 11 picks correctly-more than Kiper-to win an autographed Jamarcus Russell helmet.

Those are my credentials, let’s mock it up:

1. St. Louis Rams-Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma- I don’t like the pick personally but apparently it’s a given that the Rams take him. DYK: His paternal great-great grandmother was Cherokee making him an official citizen of the Cherokee Nation.

2. Detroit Lions-Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska- They could go OT but Suh is arguably the best player in the draft and it fills a need.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma- This 3-Tech Tackle draws comparisons to Sapp because apparently his style meshes with their defense scheme.

4. Washington Redskins-Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State- The Skins need to replace Samuels and protect McNabb’s back side, that one he’s blind on.

5. Kansas City Chiefs-Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma- If I know Scott Pioli like I think I do, they pass on a S like Berry and go with the cornerstone position of their franchise. People say Bulaga is a Pioli-type guy, they don’t know him like I do.

6. Seattle Seahawks-Eric Berry, S, Tennessee- Well it won’t be Taylor Mays. They could go OT or secondary but it should be the Ed Reed-esque ball-hawking center fielder.

7. Cleveland Browns-Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State- Since when are OK and OK State so good at football? Bryant was suspended last year for an undisclosed chat with Deion Sanders and has baggage or something but he’s immensely talented… great catch radius.

8. Oakland Raiders-Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers- Oh boy… Bryant and Berry are off the board. (Bryant was too slow anyway but his baggage was intriguing). The media has exhausted the speculation that the Raiders will reach for someone physically gifted in running in a straight line for 40 yards. Enough, Al Davis goes conservative here picks the natural knee-bending road grader out of Rutgers. There are whispers of Bulaga, child please, another stiff, white OT from the state of Iowa. There are murmurs Clausen, hmm… child please he won’t even go in the first round.

9. Buffalo Bills-Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame- Not a great pick considering he’s a fair weather QB but this is the best option for this franchise. I remember in 2007 when Miami was in this same position at the same pick… I was a perfect 8-8 in my mock and then they took Ted Ginn Jr. instead of Brady Quinn. Look how that turned out.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars-Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama- He’s a Jack Del Rio type of player and they’ll be look for defense in Thomas or Morgan unless they go offense with Spiller.

Gotta run. I have a sit down with Kipe and Todd later and I’ll gather some more intelligence while I wait in line so expect an updated version tomorrow.