The Decade's Most Intriguing Sports Story

Bonds and Balco. Kobe and Eagle, CO. Spygate. Vick. Tigergate. Shocking. But not surprising. The squeaky clean and faithful professional athlete is a convenient fiction.

Tiger introduced the word transgressions into the parlance of our times but none of his transgressions were as shocking as those of Adam “Pacman” Jones.

Life is a series of transitions from one level to the next, one job to another. The compelling saga of “Pacman” Jones is a series of unsuccessful transitions and unbelievable transgressions chronicled by this timeline.

2001- Jones tallies six interceptions and 1,850 rushing yards and leads his team to his second Georgia 4A State Championship. He commits to play football for West Virginia.


2003- As a sophomore, Jones records 89 tackles and four interceptions, making 2nd team All-Big East. He makes the Athletic Director's Academic Honor Roll an Athletic Coaching Education major buts faces a year in prison for beating someone with a pool cue. The sentence is reduced to probation.


2004- Jones leads the team with 76 tackles and three interceptions earning first-team all-Big East and honorable mention All-American honors. He forgoes his senior year and declares elgible for the NFL Draft.


23 April, 2005- The Tennessee Titans draft West Virginia DB Adam “Pacman” Jones with the 6th overall pick. He is the first defensive player selected. Jones holds out due to a contract dispute over safeguards which would deny him bonus money if convicted of a crime.


19 February 2007- Video shows Jones celebrating NBA All-Star Weekend with rapper Nelly and producer Jermaine Dupree in a Las Vegas strip club.



26 March, 2007- The Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department implicate Jones and his entourage in the shooting following the strip club melee.

10 April, 2007- The NFL suspends Jones for the 2007 season.

18 June, 2007- Jones threatens a man named Darian in an Atlanta strip club and shots fire on Darian's car at a nearby intersection shortly after he leaves the club. Dekalb County Police question Jones but the victims could not identify the shooter so there were no charges and the story quietly evades excessive media coverage.



20 June, 2007- The Metro Police and the Clark County DA charge Jones with two felonies and he accepts a plea bargain.



6 August, 2007- Jones signs a contract with TNA Wrestling.



Jones’ NFL contract limits “The Greatest Team Sport Athlete That Ever Lived” to a non-contact role. He forms a tag team with Ron “The Truth” Killings.



Jones “makes it rain” in the ring and eventually wins the World Trade Team Championship with Killings.



15 January, 2008- Atlanta stripper Wanda S. Jackson pursues an arrest warrant alleging that Jones hit her in the strip club.

23 April , 2008- The Dallas Cowboys acquire Jones for a 4th round pick in a deal that includes compensation for Jones’ failed reinstatement or future suspension. He drops the "Pacman" nickname that was once represented by the P on his jersey, in an effort to disassociate from his checkered past.



13 October, 2008- Commisioner Roger Goodell suspends Jones indefinitely after an alcohol-related scuffle with a bodyguard on October 7.


7 January, 2009- The Dallas Cowboys announce that they will release Jones.

2 September, 2009- Jones agrees in principle to a one-year deal with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL but they revoke their offer when Jones contemptuously refers to the league as the United Football League.

What does the next decade have in store for Jones? Bonds? Kobe? Vick? Tiger? Matt Walsh? More transgressions, I hope.

Coach Kroll's XMAS Comes Early

In baseball, there was the DiMaggios, Alous, Ripkens and the Boones. Basketball had the Wilkins, Paxsons and the Barrys. Hockey had the Hulls, Sutters, and Gretzkys. But who watches hockey anyway? Football had the Barbers, Baileys, Sharpes, and of course the Mannings. Right now, tennis has the Bryan and the Murray brothers. Vassar College men’s tennis has the brothers Jasso, Nick and Josh, aka Stretch and Smash, or Jassito and Big Jasso.

Josh is one of the teams natural veteran leaders and Nick has already made an immediate impact as a true freshman. Nick is easily the hardest worker on the team, a torch I am proud to pass. He was the first person to do the 7:30 am Monday, Wednesday, Friday plyometric workouts with the basketball team. Coach caught wind of these magic training sessions and suggested it to rest of the team. Mike ran with the idea, made it a mandatory OTA (Organized Team Activity), and the team responded. The guys who showed up reaped the benefits of plyometrics. Josh was a dependable presence and I recently saw him dunking basketballs in the gym. As for me, I survived DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness) and blisters and I’m in the best shape of my career.

The Jasso experiment has worked out so well thus far, that the expert recruiter Coach Kroll recently added a new brotherly weapon to the lineup, Carleton sophomore transfer Giles “Ben” Guzick. Hey, that name sounds familiar. Well it should, he’s the older brother of freshman sensation Andrew “Goose” Guzick, and a devoted follower of this very blog.

I didn’t make it to Ben’s pro day so I haven’t been able to evaluate him in person but other GMs tell me that he’s as good or better than his one-year junior sibling “Goose.” I don’t know if the brothers Guzick play doubles but they do know how run a student government. Just like Kennedy’s cabinet, Ben was president of the prestigious Harley school with Andrew as his secretary. I’m excited to see these reunited brothers in action.


I love to see brothers interact. Big Jasso is very protective of Jassito and I think Nick would be lost at times without his guidance. Nick once called Josh from the ATM to ask where the money came out. I feel the love from the Jasso brothers because I haven’t ever seen Josh lay a finger on Nick. However, Josh does make it clear that if anyone is going to beat up Nick, it will be him, and only him.

Apparently, Josh’s protection dates back to childhood when Josh would bear the brunt of the blame from his parents for shared mishaps in order to protect Nick’s innocence. My mention of this arrangement during dinner at the President’s house instigated an argument between the brothers Jasso about a particular incident with a vase. The jury is still out about the vase because if there’s one thing I gleaned from a research paper I just wrote on psychology in the courtroom, it’s that memory is fluid and subjective.


I have a break chock full of Bowl games before I meet the newest addition to our team but I have still given the issue some thought. How will two sets of brothers affect the team climate? One third of the team will be brothers. Will Ben and Goose act like the Mannings? What will Ben’s nickname be since Goose is already taken? I’ve heard that he is called Buzick (pronounced BOO-zic) but I have some other ideas that play off the alliteration in his name. Maybe he could be 2G, Double G, Straight G. I also like GG because it means “good game” i.e. “it’s over” in computer gamer jargon. Well, until we meet, kiss the baby.

The Best Burger Ever

I'm currently staying with my friend Pete on his family's dairy farm in the Hamptons and it exemplifies the French concept "terroir." I can throw this fancy word around because I'm taking a French class on it, but for those behind the times, it essentially refers to the variance of a particular food's taste bestowed by its geographical origins and cultural traditions. Pete and his family have a centuries-old bond to their land and its offerings. Put simply, Pete is so stubbornly confident in his food's quality and his immune system that he eats uncooked beef, carves pigs barehanded, rarely washes his hands afterward, and to top it all off, he even drinks raw milk (unpasteurized, unhomogenized).

As an outsider to the ways of the Ludlow (that's Pete's last name) farming tradition, I am constantly blown away by the vastly superior taste of simple ingredients like eggs and milk. Without hyperbolizing (of which I am always vigilant), I have encountered many of my "best I've ever had" foods on the farm:

- eggs
- milk
- brie
- bacon
- duck
- veal
- pancakes, made with the eggs and milk

The success by virtue of simplicity reminds me of the locker room saying, "Don't complicate winning." Although I've tasted the "terrior" in simple preparations, I haven't quite applied my skills to elaborate uses of the "terroir."

Thanks to my knowledge of goal-setting from my Sports Psyc class, today Pete and I decided we would attempt to make the best burgers we've ever tasted. Normally, I wouldn't spontaneously undertake such a daunting challenge but I figured that because I had access to the highest order of several key ingredients, this superlative quest was preordained.

We spent the morning attempting to lasso a pig for slaughter and discussing the Aristotilean form of a perfect burger. We visualized our lofty goal and with no margin for error and I'm proud to say, we executed. That's it. It was a success.

The award for the "Best Burger I've Ever Tasted" goes to the Mecox Bay Bacon Apple Brie Burger with carmelized onions and watercress on a Portuguese roll.

Thank you Pete and family for making this burger possible. While this is a great accomplishment for Pete and I, I appreciate that the title "Best I've ever tasted" is not absolute and it will not sidestep challengers; so bring 'em on because this burger is no paper champ.

Burger Ingredients:
- Mecox Bay grass-fed ground beef
- Worcestershire Sauce, key ingredient
- Garlic, minced
- Parsley, chopped
- 1 egg, farm fresh, binds ingredients
- Paprika
- Nutmeg
- Ground mustard, tiny bit
- Rosemary
- Thyme
- Salt
- Pepper

Burger toppings:
- Caramelized onions, cooked in the bacon grease because the toppings must measure up
- Jowl bacon, crispy, farm fresh, not from the belly like traditional bacon, meatier
- Mecox Bay Atlantic Mist brie-style cheese, the best of its kind one will find
- Granny Smith apple, thinly sliced, adds a tart crunch
- Watercress, peppery, pretentious, pretty

Burger Vehicle:
- Portuguese roll, similar to English muffin, broiled with garlic butter, store didn't have proper buns but this was excellent

Side:
- Home fries, gold, purple, red potatoes dug up in the dark because Pete refuses to buy potatoes from the store, for good reason
- olive oil
- garlic
- rosemary
- cayenne
- salt
- pepper
- garnish with chopped parsley

My Favorite Videos Right Now

I have re-watched all of these multiple times because I find them so captivating.

1. This is the definitive internet video. Are we doomed?

2. Dude has a particular set of skills that make him the "Coolest Guy in The World."

3. This is some poor soul's embarrassing, outspoken mom. Well, maybe not.

4. I painted my house this summer but it wasn't as cool as this.

5. Chappelle's genius inspired this gem.

6. Thank you whoever compiled this. Not sure how you did it.

My Two Favorite People on the Internet

I must apologize to my readership for my recent drop in the rate of posts. I have focused my efforts on my other blog as of late.

1. King Curtis

Whether or not the producer prompted these tirades, this indignant redneck already understands how to orchestrate a successful "reality" TV confrontation and his sassy on-screen aura shows promise.

He already has a dance remix.

2. The "Your Business Card is Crap" Guy

This meme has grown over the past few months and it turns out that this guy is a motivational speaker named Joel Bauer and he posts videos to google. In this video, he gives a 20 minute discourse in excruciating detail about his Mary Poppins suitcase and its contents; which sounds dreadful but is oddly captivating as I have watched it many times. This speaks to his mantra, "It's not about being liked, it's about being effective." Thanks for the packing tips. I wonder if he does graduation speeches.

U.S. Open Part Deux: The Greatest Match Ever Played... well, the greatest match I've ever seen live (even in an age of hyperbole)

(Ed. note: To my loyal readership, especially those who have this blog as their homepage, or at least favorited or RSS, I apologize for the delay but I'm making up for it with these baller pictures of Tsonga.)

So, I mentioned earlier that I witnessed the match of my spectator life and made cameos on TV! (Go to 1:32 of this video) This is that story. It all started when my phone died. I was with my friend Pete who had to leave soon, trying to reach my boy Dias who was part of Istomin's entourage cheering him through a 5-setter against Lapentti. Pete and I tried to go watch various other matches and sneak onto courts but the night session people were arriving, full of vigor, trying to get their money's worth by viewing some of the day matches that ran late. The influx of feisty nightlings causes huge lines and our stick-to-itiveness was running low this late in the day. I also have an annual line waiting quota which I save for the NFL Draft so I didn't want to dip into that account. P and I said goodbye and I hadn't reached my other friend D. For some reason, I wasn't ready to leave yet so I figured I would give it one last shot to try to get a seat on a court. The line to get into Armstrong had subsided and it's connected to the Grandstand so I figured I might be able to get in there to see Dent and possibly find D. After my usual crafty maneuvering, I found a seat in the 3rd row of the Dent Navarro match. Then my intell training came in handy because I spotted my friend D and sat with him. This is the e-mail I wrote to my poor friend Pete after the match:

-----Original Message-----
From: Shane Donahue
Sent: September 5th, 2009
To: Pete
Subject: Sorry I was a bad friend

You made me stay and I let you leave. I lacked drive and enthusiasm when it counted most, the adversity of lines. I wish we could've traded places because although I cannot think of a better match I have seen live, you would've appreciated it all the more. Not the classic clash of styles mind you, these two gentlemen paid homage to THE original style, your beloved serve and volley. In this age, how did the final two grisly survivors of a dated, dying, futile, practically extinct style meet in the main draw of a grand slam? I don't know but I'm glad they did. I doubt serve and volley will make a comeback but those very skills need a revival in the modern singles game. How many times did we see a guy dump a volley, choke on a floater, or give his opponent an easy pass? Too often. I saw the composure it takes to deliver a big hold and the tenacity necessary to get the break. In the serve and volley game, they don't hand out breaks and the first person to slip up on their serve is in a hole. I just had a serve and volley clinic and it was inspirational!

Top 10 Things I'm Sorry You Missed:

10. Being on TV. I did end up sitting with Dias so I owe it to him for having my voicemail and inbox full of "haha saw you on TV throwing the X factor wearing a France jersey!"

9. Dent's profanity littered self mutterings, head jerks, cackle, and dropping his racquet and assuming the fetal position after not converting a double break opportunity.

8. The chair ump requesting the crowd to "respect both players and not..." and then being cut off by the cheering crowd.

7. Navarro complaining to the chair ump about the immediate crowd noise when dent launched a 147 mph serve that Navarro somehow returned; and then on the very next point, having the silence broken by a cell phone ring right as Navarro started his motion. He seemed annoyed because it was 5-5 in the 5th.

6. Me screaming "Dent and charge Taylor!" on match point right before Dent carved the winning shot down the line.

5. Dent's 148 mph BOMB!

4. The drop volleys and one handed backhand passing shots, the lunging stabs that always went in and intercepted what seemed to be sure passing shots at a critical moment, the immaculate pick-ups, Dent's topspin lobs off both wings, and Navarro painting the lines with every shot.

3. The anxiety of break points, then mini breaks, match points, and not knowing who was going to win.

2. Cheering and hoping it may bring Dent closer to the win.

1. The collective realization of the crowd that a 3-shot point that ends in a volley is not only highly effective but it's just as entertaining as the long-haired curiosities who slug it out ways away from that over which they hit.

Today I missed out on Del Potro's shank, Monfils' wristband, and seeing an epic serve and volley showcase with you, the purist.

If this seems at all trite or sappy, I assure you it is genuine. I merely occupied myself on the train by writing this.

Also, Navarro used two racquets, one for serving and one for returning.

US Open! Best event in all of Sports! (Besides the NFL Draft. [and maybe the Combine though I haven't been yet])

I went to the US Open Thursday (8.3) night and Friday (8.4). I saw Kohlscreiber def. Devarrman and Roddick def. Giquel on Thursday. I spent 12 hours there on Friday and saw Tsonga def. Niemenen, Del Potro def. Melzer, Simon def. Bellucci, Monfils def. Beck, and finally, the 5-setter instant classic Dent def. Navarro. Before I recount my Dent-Navarro religious experience (serve and volleyism), here's what I liked.

1. On Thursday, they didn't check tickets at the outer gates or at Ashe. I never used my ticket. They checked my bag.

2. They allowed me to bring my telephoto lens in! The NFL Draft did not. Stupid.

3. My friend bought 2 beers at $9 each, gave the guy a $20, and received $18 change.

4. Shortly thereafter, I found an $85 ticket to Ashe which would have been handy but I didn't even need to use it.

What I didn't like:

1. They confiscated my stainless steel water bottle on Friday but not on Thursday. They checked my ticket too.

2. Monfils was too popular. People went crazy for him which is legitimate because he's entertaining and the most athletic guy on tour; but I was disappointed about being hip no longer. I first heard about him when my friend played him in juniors. I first saw him play when he almost won the Jr. Grand Slam (Murray beat him in the Jr. US Open wearing a hoodie). He appealed to me as an athletic dark horse, under-the-radar underdog type players. While I'm a front-runner, I am no bandwagoner.

3. My camera and cell phone died so no Monfils or Dent pictures.

4. I was disappointed with the ball people at the US Open. I'd rather just say ball boys so I will. Kramer, Kenny Mayne, and Rick Reilly have all tried out (overused idea?) so I expected this job to attract great talent. Many ball boys did not throw well. Even if the ball reaches the target alright, the ball boy should look proper when throwing. Kenny Mayne was QB2 (ahead of Randall Cunningham) at UNLV so he has a live arm. This gave me the idea that ball boys should be required to have throwing experience, probably from football or baseball (sorry no cricket, that would look weird). They also shouldn't be too old. I saw one older guy working the net which was annoying because his body was not built for speed and he was out of breath the whole time. Why did they put him on the net? He did not have Kramer's "gusto." The players are allowed to be tired, not the ball boys. There should be an age limit, say 22, because I might ball boy at next year's open. Actually I would rather be the usher who sits on the court in a chair and does absolutely nothing. Then I could really watch the match. I wouldn't have to trouble myself scrambling around collecting balls, and fumbling with towels and umbrellas. Or they could just use supermodels like at the Madrid Masters. If they do switch to supermodels, don't have them throw it. Teach them to roll it.